Adoption Ruling for ‘Baby Veronica’

After watching and reading information about the baby Veronica case I am saddened by what has happened to that child. This custody battle has never been about what is in the best interest of the child but what is in the best interest of the parents involved in it.

I understand how difficult it is for the adoptive parents to bring home a baby and then have the birth father contest the adoption before it was finalized and how heart wrenching that must be. However, with the adoption not finalized things could and still did prevent them from adopting the baby at that time and wouldn’t it be more heart wrenching to go through years of a court battle that might not come out in your favor and put that child you have come to love through so much emotional pain than to let her grow up in a home with her birth father?

I don’t know how my actions would have been different from theirs if I was put in the same situation but I do know that sitting on the outside I think about the fact that the birth father wanted his daughter and as the girl grows up and finds out all this information (even if there wasn’t a huge court battle she would still find out) how would she feel about her adoptive parents. If it was me, I would be mad at them for keeping me from my birth father if he truly wanted to take care of me and it would be hard to trust that they have my best interest at heart on anything they say or do.

At this point in that girls short life she was living with an adoptive couple as an infant and then transferred custody to her birth father after a long battle in the state court system. Now she is going to be torn from her birth father’s home to go back to a home that she is likely not going to remember much about and to people she is not familiar with anymore. How do you care about a child and want to put her through that type of pain when there is no reason for the birth father to not be able to parent his daughter?

I hope that the little girl is allowed a good open relationship between all of her parents to try to grow up happy and healthy.

Positive Adoption Lanuage (PAL)

There is a lot of terminology out there that people use when talking about adoption and the people that are part of the process. I wanted to give an overview of some of the terms and why one thing should be used in place of the other when talking about adoption.

Adoptive parents vs. not the real parents

Adoptive parents are parents just like all others the only difference being that they did not conceive them and carry them until they were born. They have held the parenting role of caring for the child after placement though and are the same as other parents in wanting what is best for their child.

Birthmother/birthfather vs. the real parents

Birth parents are no more the parents than the adoptive parents of a particular child. They all want what is best for the child and although the birth mother carried the baby and cared for him/her before they were born until they were placed for adoption and continue to care what happens to them after they are being cared for by their other parents.

Deciding to parent vs. keeping the child

This comes down to the birth parents all want to keep their child with them but they don’t feel like they can properly parent their child for one reason or another. So when they decide to not place for adoption they are choosing to parent their child themselves.

Placing for adoption vs. giving up your child

Placing a child for adoption has a more positive language to it because they are taking great care in determining the future for their child. They are not abandoning their child and just giving them away as they love their child and want to find the best situation for them to have a good life.

A child who was adopted vs. an adopted child

The first one talks about an event that happened to the child whereas the second one is an adjective, like saying the child is different than other children because they were adopted.

Child vs. adopted child, birth child, natural child, etc.

In my opinion the birth parents and the adoptive parents all deserve to call the child that links them as their child because they all took part in who that child is going to become. In positive adoption language they usually talk about how to the birth parents the child is a birth daughter or birth son but in my mind although they didn’t parent the child they did conceive them and with an open adoption stay involved in their life.

We Got Mail!

Andy and I got some gift cards for Amazon in the mail last week so we decided to go ahead and order some more of the things for the house that we will need when we bring a baby home. Today we got a bunch of packages and get to put everything together tonight and add it to the baby room!

Right now it looks like the list of must have baby items for when we first bring home the baby is becoming smaller and smaller! We do have a couple of big purchases left that we want to have while we are waiting to match with our birth mother though, like a glider for the baby room, stroller, and baby monitor.

It is exciting to see the baby room come together like it has so far and how much we have gotten from friends and family as gifts. Since we have so many expenses already for the adoption it has been great to not need to spend the money on some of the pieces.

Waiting…

As we have been on the list of available adoptive couples just waiting for a birth mother to pick us for three months now I have come to realize that I think Andy is going to be a little more frustrated by the process than I am. I am usually the impatient one that can’t wait and wants to know when, where, and why everything is going to happen but not this time so far. I have been relaxed in knowing that we have done everything we need to and also some things to help us get out there more and promoted to help in the adoption process and now it is just a waiting game.

I am not sure how long this relaxed status is going to last for me as it is new to me that I am not freaking out but for the time being I am going to take it as it is and enjoy the time we have now by completing projects and things around the house. Most families get a countdown of sorts as to when their lives will forever change and I realize I am not going to get that so I am preparing myself and our house as best as I can for that unforeseen future date.

If we were to get a phone call about an adoption and have a placement within a short period of time I might freak out a little and start stressing but at least by the time that happens my stress and worry will still have an end date in site!

Children of Different Races

During our journey through adoption we had to fill out our profile for selection by birth mother. In this profile at our agency there was all kinds of information for things such as race, genetic physical or mental disabilities (could be passed on not necessarily that the child has an issue), whether we will accept multiples, drug and alcohol use during pregnancy by the birth mother, etc. We really kept our profile wide open when we filled it out because to us we don’t care about that in choosing to adopt a specific baby.

Since we selected that we would adopt a baby of a different race than ours (Caucasian) we had to do a course and a test on trans-racial adoption. The course seemed to be fairly straight forward going through it and before filling it out I always thought we were fairly diverse in what we do and who we interact with.

Now though I am worried what will happen if after we have adopted two kids (since we plan on adopting a second after the first one) of different races and how we will make sure that they both get what they need from us and the rest of their environment. I know that I shouldn’t be worried about this now but like usual I like to worry ahead of schedule :). We live in a primarily Caucasian area and at the very least will need to look into ways to introduce our children to other venues where they will meet people of the same race as themselves so they can see people that look like them to relate to.

Adoptive Parenting Article

Today I was reading an article written by someone who is the parent to both a child they gave birth to and also a child that they adopted. The article was discussing ‘issues’ during childhood that she faced with her kids and trying to determine if adoption played a factor in their behavior growing up.

It was great to get the perspective of a mother that gave examples of her children misbehaving and then saying which child had the issue and why they acted out. She really broke it down to show that the fact that one of the children was adopted really didn’t mean that their behavior was different but that it really boiled down to the personality of the child instead.

I hope to not second guess when our child doesn’t behave, the same as others in their age group, that it is related to adoption solely but instead something that needs to be handled and dealt with to determine what the actual cause is. Also, with our child always knowing that they have been adopted and will hopefully have information about their birth parents I hope that they will feel more secure and not need to act out to get attention and feel important.

Friends Who Are Adopting

Our agency has a lot of great couples out there that all want to start a family or grow their family through open adoption. One of the things that we really have enjoyed is meeting these other couples and forming friendships. Over the recent months Andy and I have shared one of our friends adoption pages on Facebook to try and help them get their page out there to more people since the more networking the better. However, today I read an article from our agency of two waiting families that are using their blogs to endorse their friends in the adoption process as great soon to be parents.

It is great to see how friendly and open the people at our agency are and how we are all trying to help each other out to find that child to add to our family. Here is the link for the original article from our agency. We all feel like there is the right child and situation out there for us which doesn’t make it such a competition to find a birth mother and not help out a friend.

Decorating the Baby Room

With all the rain we have been getting lately going out and doing yard work or spending time at the pool has just not been feasible so today I decided we should finally get to work on some of our little DIY projects for the baby room.

I had bought this cool brass lamp at a Good Will type of store for only $3 but it needed some updating with a new shade and some fresh paint (brass just isn’t my thing). So today I finally got around to sanding and painting the lamp the orange color that we are adding to the nursery. It turned out awesome if I say so myself and now we just need to order the white shade that I found online!

Lamp

Our second little project was making a chalk board for the baby room. We have the chalkboard paint that you can put on the walls but I wanted something a little less permanent in case we rearrange the baby room at some point. Instead we bought a big piece of plywood and some molding pieces and started the painting. We got most of the way through it but when it is finished it will be a black chalk board with an orange molding border set up around it like a frame. Then all we have to do is hang it or move it as needed. 🙂

chalk board

Going to need to look for some other projects to work on for the baby room now!